Polyamory: roadmaps for the clueless & hopeful

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by Anthony Ravenscroft
Category: relationships

Every year, thousands of people decide to make the leap into polyamory.

Most of them don't have any idea what they're getting into.

Tony Ravenscroft leaves behind the speculation, the guesswork, & the Utopianism that only confuses the discussion. This book begins from the absolute basics of intimate relationships, & clearly lays out the pitfalls & problems that await everyone who embarks upon this difficult & highly rewarding way of life.

Polyamory (the book) is for everyone with any interest in the subject. Whether you're merely curious, or already embroiled in a complex responsibly nonmonogamous life, you will find a greater understanding of what is going on. Even if you are happily married for the rest of your life, you will improve your relationships with the other people in your life.

The author speaks from 20 years of experience & observation, replete with more mistakes than you ever want to make. He shares these tales with the wit & candor of a skilled storyteller. You will ponder, argue, laugh, & thank your lucky stars that you've been warned.

Even a book this large can only hope to answer half your questions – Ravenscroft does that, & shows you how to find your own answers for the rest.

Read an excerpt from the book

About the Author

Complete Table of Contents

Ordering Information

ISBN: 1-890109-53-3
$21.95 US
imprint: Fenris Brothers
289 pages
trade-size softcover

Table of contents,

Preface

What you can get from this book

Part I – Background & history

Introduction

01. What are we talking about, anyway?

02. Reinventing the wheel: why polyamory won’t change the world.

03. So, you want to be polyamorous!

04. The usual questions

05. About swingers

06. Avoid the common mistakes

07. Overview: what polyamory actually requires

08. Other sides of the coin

09. The first fatal steps

10. Prepare your sacrifices

11. You will screw up

12. Relationship is not security

13. Communication: the big lie

14. You don’t know what you’re saying: language & metalanguage

15. It sucks to be secondary

16. It sucks to be primary

17. It sucks to be polyamorous

18. The jealousy thing

19. Swim or die

20. Vindication through sabotage

21. Polyamory or promiscuity?

22. Pregnancy, disease, legal action, and other distractions

Part II – How to actually be polyamorous

23. Core requirements of polyamory

24. Good theory & $5 will get you a double mocha

25. Lifelong intent, day-to-day attitude

26. Learning to deal with change

27. Figuring out what you are

28. What are your motivations?

29. Why polyamory?

30. Honesty: risking yourself & others

31. Friend- vs. family-oriented

32. What will the neighbors think (and should we care)?

33. Communicating with a partner or other life-form

34. Levels of attraction: define "love"

35. Love, conditional & otherwise

36. Creating a dyad

37. Problem-solving: how to fight

38. The tyranny of time

39. Hierarchy, whether you like it or not

40. Children

41. The mixed-marriage problem

42. Dating outside the couple front

43. The sexual credit bureau

44. Then, the sex starts…

45. The doubtful triad

46. Changing gears

47. Jealousy sucks, get used to it

48. Surviving the radical reversal

49. NRE: what to do when "common sense" is an oxymoron

50. Finding poly friends

51. Searching for your true love

52. We sleep together, therefore we’re partners

53. Care and feeding: relationship maintenance

54. Falling in & out of poly

55. Empower everyone

56. How open, how closed?

57. Reaching the end

58. The balancing act: multiplicity

59. Firm but flexible: to the future, right?

60. Giving up your freedom

61. Scheduling: jobs and other nuisances

62. Creating & using a network

63. Talk to each other

64. Sex vs. communication

65. Having a social life out of bed

66. Creating a household: living together as a method of suicide

67. The infamous dishwashing schedule

68. Be nice to you

69. Time out: sex has limits

70. A little more sex education

71. Signs that things are going to Hell

72. The Ref

73. Falling back in love

74. Toward a culture of polyamory

75. About this book

Epilogue: Real Community — or, Why I Sound Like an Activist

Resources: Real people in virtual bunches

Further reading

About the Author

Anthony Ravenscroft has been writing & editing for almost 30 years, partially as a way of dealing with his short attention span (diagnosed as a "learning difficulty" by most of his grade school teachers), but mostly from a deep love of the beauty of language.

"Polyamory began from a series of articles I contributed to the newsletter Loving More back in the late 1980s. It evolved through an 11-issue newsletter, Multiplex, in 1992 and 1993 that attempted to realistically examine the problems & joys of group marriage & communal living. In 2002, I threw away almost a million words in notes & simply started writing.

"There are many thousands of people each year who explore nonmonogamy, & I've witnessed or at least experienced every conceivable mistake. I'm tired of seeing good people get themselves into stupid situations. Polyamory is not a sales brochure of the wonders of polyamory! Instead, it's meant to warn away those who aren't willing to take the risks, & to prepare those who are foolhardy enough to try it anyway."

Ravenscroft is presently working on three nonfiction books that have nothing to do with nonmonogamy. "I am, though, interested in hearing ideas that could eventually go into a second volume, Polyamory Advanced."